When Should You Visit a Hospice Patient?

Visit a hospice patient as soon as you are able, or connect with them on the phone.

One night shift when I arrived at work, the nurse said to me in report, “Our patient in room seven is getting close to dying. Don’t call her father in because he just left at 9 p.m. He’s old and frail and flew in today from Texas” So we checked on this patient who was 45 — my age at the time. She looked peaceful. She wasn’t actively dying yet, but her respirations were faint and her pulses thready. After 30 minutes,  I went back into the room and sat near her bed. Although it was midnight and she showed no clinical signs of actively dying, I felt compelled to call her father back in. He arrived at 1 a.m. physically supported by younger relatives. Initially, part of me regretted waking him because he was so frail.

He sat next to his daughter’s bedside and rested his hand on hers. I would come in throughout the night and sit on the other side of her bed. He stayed in that chair all night, intermittently dozing and rousing when I entered the room. He shared sweet stories about his daughter and tenderly discussed her life as an adult. It was a holy night for him. His daughter didn’t change drastically throughout the night, she seemed to slip away and simply breathed her last breath at 7 a.m. with her father holding her hand.

As I processed her beautiful death, it became clear to me that even if the patient died days or weeks later, her father would never regret that time at her bedside. He was given that special and quiet time to be with her to grieve, to share stories, to mourn, and to hold vigil. This death has informed many of my future choices about when to call in family members.

As I processed her beautiful death, it became clear to me that even if the patient died days or weeks later, her father would never regret that time at her bedside.

Many family and friends ask me when they should visit a loved one on hospice. My usual reply is: as soon as you are able. Physicians refer a patient to hospice when their life expectancy is six months or less. If the patient is doing well, has the energy to visit, and the ability to communicate in some way, then you get to spend quality time with them.  Most hospice patients have a fragile and declining health with unknown variables. It's possible they could rapidly decline and suddenly die in which case you will miss that valuable time with them. 

Some families may not be able to visit right away; they may need to button up their own businesses, arrange child care, or save money to purchase a flight. For others, it’s simply not realistic to fly cross country or leave their responsibilities. If you cannot physically visit your loved one, connect with them another way — FaceTime, a phone call, or prayer will do. As a bedside nurse, I often hold the phone up to my patient’s ear while their loved one is on the other line. We - the hospice team believe and see that our patients can hear at the very end of life.

If I cannot be with an auntie in Indiana as they are dying, I will light a candle. It helps me remember this special person’s light and warmth in the world.  It keeps me rooted while helping me practice a spiritual connection to this person — which will be the next phase of our relationship anyway. 

Unfortunately with Covid, many family and friends don’t have the option of visiting their loved one. For a while, we were only allowed to have one visitor for each patient in a 24 hour period. Who should sit with dad while he is dying: his wife, his son, his daughter, or his brother? This is a painful decision to make and I have no answers for this one.

If you have a loved one who is on hospice and are wondering when to visit, go as soon as you are able. If you cannot physically be there, that is ok too. connect with your loved one via phone or write them a letter that someone can read to them at the bedside. I have come to believe that everyone is exactly where they need to be when someone is dying. I feel that death is a divinely orchestrated event that is much bigger than me and I often have to rest in this mystery and trust that it’s working out as it should. 

Blessings.

Writer’s note: Due to privacy laws, the subject described in the story is not an actual patient, but inspired by stories that include a combination of many patients and scenarios over the years.