I Have a Dream

I have a dream that death will be a celebrated event, like a birth.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I was tentative but excited. I immediately purchased the book “What to Expect When You're Expecting” and diligently followed their advice. I made a birth plan, took folic acid, ate more leafy greens, and told people I stopped drinking coffee (I didn’t). 

Though my husband had no interest in reading a book, he listened to me tell him about the pre-planning stages and he agreed to go to the prenatal classes and appointments. We made a birth plan together that avoided drugs and an epidural. We engaged all of our friends and had baby showers, and they organized a meal drop-off calendar for after the birth. I felt supported, loved, and that I could indeed do this birth thing.

As soon as I went into labor, we alerted friends and family who lit candles in their home for us; my mother-in-law scheduled her flight to visit. The birthing suite was luxuriously huge with a comfortable window seat/bed for my husband. I threw the birth plan away at two centimeters dilated and requested drugs and an epidural. The nurses and doctor quietly ran around doing all of the medical things they needed to do while my husband and I breathed together. My husband was in the room 100% of the time, loving me. 

Our freshly born son Jack arrived early in the morning, and friends arrived later that day with gifts, flowers, and well wishes. And when we went home, my mother-in-law arrived, the meals came, more friends and family stopped by and brought groceries and tiny little shoes for Jack.

It is amazing to have such a huge event in your life and feel so supported and loved by friends and family. Everyone seemed to just know what to do. 

I dream that communities can support death in the same way we support an expectant mother. In an ideal world, it might look a little like this:

The dying patient is supported to make a plan and as they are closer to dying, loved ones know what the patient wants and what is important to them. 

Friends and family and their community then mobilize, offering help with laundry, shopping, and meals.

Family and friends offer well wishes and prayers as they light candles in their home during the process’ culmination. 

Airlines offer cheap flights to visit a dying patient (a girl can dream). 

Hospitals have death suites that are big enough for all the extended family and friends to come to visit. It's ok to die in the hospital if the patient prefers this, and it's paid for by insurance. Family and friends can be in the room 100% of the time, loving them.

Ideally, it would be a priority for our communities to have gorgeous hospice homes sprinkled throughout the city, near the hospitals, and near homes that are also paid for by insurance and filled with nurses and aides who are expertly trained in end-of-life care.

I have a dream that patients can continue to choose to live and die in their homes if they prefer. And insurance will pay for 24/7 care if needed.

All of these options will include the possibility to die outside in nature under the sun, the stars, or a sexy maple tree.

And when the patient dies, I dream that if they want this, family and friends are gathered around the bedside whispering prayers, blessings, and a pause for this holy event.

And after the patient dies, there will be plenty of time for rituals and offerings in whatever way is meaningful to the patient. 

And family can get plenty of time off to grieve and get their head back on their shoulders — like I did when I had my babies — and begin work when their heart is a little less shattered.

I have a dream that death is a celebrated and holy event in which people gather and support and tend to the patient and the family. My guess is if we all knew what to expect, and knew we would be taken care of, and knew we would be comfortable, we could relax into this process and die in a state of grace.

Blessings.