What To Do with Your Loved One’s Cremains
Prior to her death, my mom instructed the family to go to Hawaii and toss her cremains in the Pacific. Dutifully, the we took a trip to Hawaii in 1999, rented a boat, and each family member took turns sharing stories or prayers while throwing her ashes into the ocean followed by leis and more blessings. It was spectacular, and every time I am in Hawaii, I feel my mom’s holy presence.
I am in Hawaii right now with my husband and two daughters, and we were blissed out admiring the sandy beach. My thoughts immediately went to my mother which led me to consider my own death. I abruptly told my family that when I die I want them to throw my ashes into the ocean right here in Hawaii. They were horrified that I cast a dark shadow on a beautiful moment and at the thought of people swimming in my ashes. I think about my death all the time — not in a freaky way, more in a pragmatic way. I am happy and warm in Hawaii so it makes sense to have my ashes here rather than where I usually live in Oregon where it’s so rainy and cold.
My practical daughter Grace said, “Can I get that in writing?” Ah, she had a point.
A bedazzled wooden box filled with Dad’s cremains sits at the top left corner of Mike’s work station.
My dad died six years ago, and he was kind of vague about where he wanted his cremains placed. He wrote down a few options and then our family had a falling out. We have never been able to come to a consensus. At this moment, dad’s cremains are in a wooden box on the top shelf of my brother-in-law's office. Dad’s Notre Dame hat adorns this box which the grandchildren bedazzled the night before his funeral. I have not looked at the pictures in a while and was horrified to see a number two on the side of the box. Upon further inspection, it appears the bejeweled number one lost a few plastic gemstones and now dad looks as though he is number two.
Poor dad.
And poor Mike, my brother-in-law. My dad loved Mike. They bonded over politics, Chimay beer, and bratwursts, but I don't think that is a reason for dad to hover over Mike as he discusses IT issues with his food service company. It does make me laugh, though.
It appears the bejeweled number one lost a few plastic gemstones and now dad looks as though he is number two.
If there is a large family, it may be important to have a discussion with your loved one about their ashes and potentially get it in writing. Family will always be, well, family. Family dynamics are amplified when there is struggle, pain, crisis, grief, and relationship issues. If your loved one wants their cremains in a remote location, make sure it’s financially realistic or that there is money to cover it. And if they don’t care, write that down, too.
I have no idea if there are any legal ramifications, but below are some ideas other than sending your loved one out to sea or storing them in a bedazzled box in your office:
Make a day out of it. Buckle up the cremains, go for a drive, and deposit the ashes of your loved one near all the nearby natural places they enjoyed.
Carry them with you. My dad kept a small ziplock baggie in his pocket with a small amount of my mom’s ashes.
Intern the ashes in a cemetery.
Turn the ashes into ceramic jars, jewelry, or even gemstones.
Bury the ashes with a rosebush or a tree to commemorate your loved one.
You can find more ideas for what to do with cremains here and everything else you want to know about cremains here.
I have no idea how long my dad will remain hovering over my brother-in-law, but I have a feeling it will be years before our family comes to an agreement. In the meantime, I will put my wishes into writing, which after giving it some more thought, I am not thrilled about the ocean and would rather be in a warm spot in the earth, anywhere the sun can hit me.
Blessings.