Self-Compassion as You Care for Others
The practice of self-compassion is a doozy for me.
I had not done much research on it until recently, and I’ve been flabbergasted to realize the inhumane bitchy way I treat myself when I do something “wrong.”
I work at an inpatient hospice unit, and one morning, I was in the room with a patient who has difficulty swallowing but hates to have his meds crushed. He finally got the last pill down, after which he took a slow drink of water, cleared his throat, and started talking. And talking. And talking. It looked like there was no end in sight to his monolog describing the various jobs he had over the course of his lifetime (he was 89).
I began to feel impatient. And antsy.
Then I started beating myself up: “Geezus Beth, why can't you sit down and lean into this sweet moment of life review?… You should have started your medication passes earlier, get your shit together, you are so disorganized.” I continued silently berating myself for the next hour as I finished administering morning medications to my dying patients.
I thought that if I was critical, it would motivate me to be more present with my patients, swifter at administering meds, more organized.
Kristin Neff, the queen of self-compassion, reports that when one criticizes oneself, it is exactly the opposite of motivating. “When we criticize ourselves, we are tapping into our bodies’ threat-defense system: …which releases adrenaline and cortisol and prepares us for the fight or flight response." During my beratement, I was definitely not present to my dying patients’ actual needs. My stress level increased, and I am certain my slow-swallowing patient felt my impatience.
In Neff’s TedX talk, she offers three components of self-compassion, which we can all work into practice in lieu of self-criticism.
1. Treat yourself with kindness, like you would a good friend. “Honey, nursing is difficult – there are always too many things to do at once, and this morning has been particularly hard.” Find a mantra that will help. May I be patient.
2. Recognize the shared human experience of imperfection and suffering. Beth, look around, your co-workers are running their booties off, and probably most nurses everywhere.
3. Be mindful and nonjudgmental in the moment by validating that you are indeed suffering. Beth dear, you are stressed, grumpy, and hangry. Take a breath. Eat your oatmeal.
Self-compassion puts us in the mindstate to do our best. Caring for others is difficult work; there will be so many moments on the job where I can choose either to criticize myself or to honor myself with self-compassion. If you want to work on this (with me), here is a sweet five-minute self-compassion exercise. I am certain this will be a lifelong practice.
Blessings.